The No Names

Fungus had never understood why his parents had cursed him with a name as terrible as Fungus Henry Fitzwilliam. An utterly tragic name for an otherwise attractive and likable boy. Despite his tall frame and incredible speed (which he shared with his brother Tyler) and his impressive intelligence (that he shared with his younger sister Sharon), Fungus was always mocked and passed over in school. Poor Fungus spent most of his childhood resentfully eating the lunches his mother packed him and counting the days until he turned 18 with his only friends Prometheus and Coors.

This menagerie of strangely named children called themselves "The No Name Club" and had all taken an oath not to legally change their names until the youngest member turned 18. The club was unofficially started by Fungus and Coors back in kindergarten, but the official pledge was all Prometheus' idea. Promy, as Fungus and Coors called her, had joined after moving into town in the 4th grade.  One day, in sixth grade, Promy presented a thick white book to the boys as they sat in Fungus' tree house.

"1,001 Baby Names?" Coors read aloud, "What's this for? "

"Think, genius," Fungus answered him, "it's so we can choose our own names." 

For the next six years the No Names poured over the baby name book, highlighting and circling every name they found interesting, and then scratching them off their lists as they grew tired of them. High school was hard for the No Names but when Coors turned 18 first, they began to feel hopeful about their future as normal people.

At 18, Coors had singled in on Joseph and Lincoln.  Promy felt that she was more of an Olivia than a Mary, but Fungus couldn't pick out just one name. He thought Simon would capture his intellectual side, but that Steven made him sound tough. Yet all the names seemed to sound even stranger as he practiced introducing himself with a new name. The letters seemed to melt apart and float around his brain like a lava lamp. The only name he could say with absolute confidence was his own.  Trying to understand how to choose a name, Fungus turned to his mother for advice. 

"Well, I hated being one of five Summer's when I was in school, and I just wanted you to have your own unique name." Fungus quoted his mother to Promy.

"That's actually kind of sweet.", Promy replied with a sentimental smile.

"Hey Promy," Coors asked without looking up from the white book,"Why did your parents name you Prometheus? You never told us."

Promy responded, " They were really into Greek mythology and that was their favorite myth." 

"Okay, but Prometheus is a boys name." 

"And Coors is an frat boy nickname. What's your point?"

"Come on, you guys, don't fight. It's not our faults we all have stupid names." Fungus interrupted. Promy and Coors nodded in agreement and the tree house was silent until Promy muttered, "My name's not stupid." 

"What?", the two boys gasped. None of the No Names had ever defended their given names before. Promy rose and exited the tree house without acknowledging their question.

"What's up with her?" Coors asked through a mouth full of trail mix.

"I don't know" Fungus answered distractedly. But Fungus did know. He sensed that Promy was having the same doubts that he was. 

Finally The Day came. On Fungus' 18th birthday, the three No Names stood on the court steps, squeezing each others hand for good luck. 

Coors was the first to stand before the judge.

"Coors Walker? How did that happen?" the judge snickered. 

"My dad lost a bet with my uncles, but I'd like my new name to be Joseph." Coors answered firmly. 

Next was Prometheus. Standing in front of the judge in her best dress, the judge eyed her up and down and said, "Prometheus? You're not at all what I expected." 

"I get that a lot, actually. But I think I'm going to keep my name. Sorry to waste your time." Prometheus replied, and promptly dashed out of the courtroom. 

Lastly Fungus stood in front of the judge, who at this point was thoroughly confused.  "Oh you poor children," she thought out loud as she read Fungus' file.

"I'm sorry to do this to you but I think I'll be keeping my name as well." Fungus said with a certain yet shaky voice. 

"Whatever floats your boat," the judge replied flippantly, with just a hint of compassion for The No Names. 

Outside on the court steps Fungus sat with Promy's head rested on his shoulder as the newly minted Joseph Walker gleefully ran down the steps. With an excited voice, he teased "I can't believe you two chickened out! I'll meet you at the tree house tomorrow! I've got to go make business cards or something!" Fungus and Promy watched Joseph gallop away like a prized stallion, hooping and hollering as he weaved throw the other pedestrians. 

"A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet, my ass." Fungus muttered bitterly. 

"Don't be like that," Promy corrected him. He'll always be our little Coors."

"Do you think you'll ever change your name?" Fungus asked almost rhetorically.

"Maybe." Promy said thoughtfully, "But if I've learned anything from this whole experience it's that all names are kinda weird. Right now I'm just happy to be a No Name."

                                                                      The End